First off, douse his testicles in chili powder while he sleeps. Every guy likes a little sexual surprise, especially when they are deep in sleep and have a meeting tomorrow. After they awake from the searing pain, start crying viciously while holding a butcher knife. He won't know what to think!
Second, dig up all of his dead family pets and attach strings to them. Set up candles in a different room, leading him to believe he's about to be in for a sexual treat! After you butter him up, bring him to the room of the Nightmare Puppets. Perform for him the Show of Darkness and drink his tears. Despair efficiently provides sustenance, with almost zero calories!
Lastly, lose some weight, you fucking piggy! Nobody could ever love a blob like you. You disgust me. Your idea of a romantic date with your lover is ordering Dominoes and sweating grease while watching Joey. Your sex is more gaseous and rancid then Mexico City traffic.
Hopefully these 3 tips help to add some much needed zest to your intercourse! Good luck out there, lovers.
-Caroline
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